Captain’s Log: Translation of the Period to a Man

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Captain’s Log: Translation of the Period to a Man

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Captain’s Log

I’m going to be honest. My hubby has no sympathy for the period. I used to get so pissed at him for being so insensitive. But then I got to thinking about it. Has anyone ever explained it so a man could understand?

Captain’s Log Sept 21st—Today was an okay day. Started out great. For some reason, I looked at Doug and wanted to rip his face off. What was that about? Hmmm…further investigation of beginning of next period is warranted. Should pre-warning be given to Isa & Doug? Nah, it may be nothing. May be false alarm.

Captain’s Log Sept 22nd—I woke up today with my insides twisting. Confirming period soon. Dread has settled in. Cramping has begun in a mild nagging pain. Men, I would attribute this to the 2nd or 3rd day after being kicked in the balls. Hurts like a mother fucker, but its manageable. Further assessment will be made. 3 o’clock, irritation has set in. AC was not set at 76 degree rather it was 79 degrees. Short fuse has been lit and possible explosion may occur. Does Doug not know that I m beading sweat and its creeping up the back of my neck? Does he not sense that I am going to explode? In my head, “Dude, the music is too fucking loud. Shut up!! Shut up! Shut Up!. On the outside, I have my eyes fixated on the TV, hand on shoulder trying to rub this need to lose my shit away quickly before explosion is imminent!

Captain’s Log Sept 23rd. I’ve made it another day. Impending doom ahead. I’m like the Titantic to Doug, he sees what’s going on, but he has no fucking idea what is coming?!!! LOL Poor Doug. Now, my cramps have revved up from a gnawing pain to straight pain. My inside are soooo pissed at me right now. It feels like you are taking my ovaries and twisting, twisting. Gnawing pain on the inside that reverberates throughout your body. My pain will travel down my legs and deep into my hips. Let’s contort your balls for awhile and hold it there. Every few moments, we will twist them tighter and release just enough that its just nagging pain. Then, it revs up. Pain shooting to back of your lumbar.   I think to myself, “Can I make it through this?” First sign of period. Impending doom, T-minus one day.

Captain’s Log Sept 24th—Wake up to the feeling of a nail being driven into my ovary. I can point to the exact spot. Pain radiating across my mid area. Pain is now intense and the feeling of vomiting has begun. I’d say the feeling of being kicked in the balls repeatedly would be sufficient pain level. Emotions have set in. Can I control my crying?

Shit, abused puppy video.

I’m fucked.

Doug, just came in and said, “Can you…..”. My temperature in my body quickly rising to prickly feeling on the back of my neck. I say with a tone of  “I am going to fuck you up, if you say the wrong thing. I dare you!” I glare at him, “Can you…..Can you what……!?” I start to break down between abused puppies on the internet and Doug’s use of Can you….I am overwhelmed. Commence crying. Shit is flowing now! Can’t …..Stop….Crying….

Doug looking helpless,”Ummmm…….are you okay?”,

I scream, “Do I look fucking, Okay?!!!!” My insides are ripping through my body like the movie Alien, when the Alien rips through the stomach. All I want is to lie down. I want to put my knees up to my chest and cry. Oh, but don’t forget to put 2 towels down, wear a tampon, and pad! Its super fun!!!! We work, we mother, we function, feeling like this. So, next time a man dares say a word, go ahead twist his balls until contorted all the while kicking him repeatedly in the nuts over and over for about 5 days. But, during that time tell him, that his favorite team has folded so days and days of sadness sinks in.

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