Surprise! The Truth After Pregnancy!
I have many friends that have had children. Now, that I am 39 and out of the age, I can reveal to the upcoming first time pregos some of the realities of having a child. (For those who got panties in a twist when I said 39 is out of age, it is for me. When my vagina and pregnancy started being referred to as geriatric, I was finished. Lol
- You wipe ass and a lot of it. Even after diapers, you have many years of butt wiping or you will be forever plagued with poop stains in the undies! Buy stock in diaper wipes, because you will be using an enormous amount.
- As they potty train, bribery is a must! Also, lots of clapping and dancing when they do! Yep, you will do that potty dance for them with no embarrassment or problem. By the time, they potty train, you pray for a miracle that it will be easy. You will never be so happy than when you see poop in the potty!!!
- You may as well forget about those perky boobies. After those beautiful, luscious, boobs you gained from pregnancy and breast feeding will soon be deflated into tubes socks with a ball inside. Yep……so get yourself a fantastic push up bra and save up for a lift. Because those boobs will be down to your belly button. (Joking about being down to the belly button, but be prepared to lose those perky things!
- Mama Bear/Shark is a real thing! You will battle anyone that messes with your child. Anyone!
- That deal you made with yourself while prego, “I will never have toys everywhere, only in the toy room.” Nope, losing battle. Just make a corner behind a chair to keep the overflowing living room of toys hidden.
- Don’t ever expect to leave the house without issues! Start an extra 30 minutes early or you will be screwed with the impending obstacles just to walk out the door. Chances are you will still be late!
- Those annoying parents that center their Facebook account around their kids. You know the ones? You probably thought to yourself, “OMG, could they post one more pic of the kid doing the same thing?” Yep, you will! You will be that person!
- Do your kegals, or you will be forever doomed with peeing yourself. The usual saying that will come out of your mouth when laughing is, “Stop, or I’m going to pee myself.” As you cross your legs, tighten the abs muscles, putting your hand between your thighs for extra reinforcement of the pressure. This happens with sneezing, coughing, and laughing too. Carry extra undies and pants. Because its not a matter of “IF”, it’s a matter of “when” you will have the inaugural peeing down your leg. Good news is, the people who you tell are women. They understand when suddenly your pants are wet!!! Have fun.
- Since becoming a mom, each day brings a new level of crazy that you previously thought could not be topped. You will never be truly prepared. NEVER! The unimaginable will happen.