The Three Faces of a Football Fan’s Wife
Being the Wife of Crazed Football Fan, I’ve come to sit by and accept that for about 20 weeks out of the year, the back burner is my home. Well……at least 5 days a week. Now, a bunch of you women just said, “Ohhhh, Fuck NO!” Yes, I get it. However, I accept his faults as well as his good traits. Hahaha! (Very sarcastic, Hahaha!) See….My hubby isn’t the typical fan. Where the typical fan would love their favorite team and watch them religiously. Okay…..that’s fine. These fans are content with watching tidbits of the other football games that weren’t playing his teams on ESPN highlights. Or we can even say, watching all day Sunday is acceptable. OH…..no, no, no…..I have the fanatic who loves the game of football so fucking much that I officially say its his Mistress. I feel like, during football season, if I screamed, “Fire, Fire, Fire!!!” He’d seriously contemplate getting up to check if a good play was going on. Seriously! Football is on in my house everyday, but,Tuesday and Wednesday. However, there are circumstances to those days. If there are local televised high school games, he will watch those as well……So I lose my hubby to this other woman! That BITCH!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am die hard Bama Fan (ROLL TIDE!!!) But, there is only one game a fucking week! Not every game, every rank, division, college, high school, little tikes, Travelling, CFL, Arena, Flag, Recreational, Powder Puff, or any other fucking way football could possibly be played.
So, the other night, I was laying on the couch, legs kicked up. Dog snuggling me and of course, football was on. For 10 minutes, I had a one-sided conversation with my hubby. The worst part, he was answering me. After 10 minutes, I finally realized he had no fucking idea what I was talking about. Props to him for faking it for so long. So, after getting his attention, I was like, “Seriously…..” Totally insulted. This is what he said as he takes in a deep breath. He sits up onto the edge of the couch, trying to have one eye on the game and the other on me. Addict! LOL. He says, “Babe, so there’s only, 20 weeks of football in a year. They have minimum 66 games less than the next sport! So, I need to enjoy it while its on.” FML! So shaking my head, I got to thinking about my self and the type of person I am in relation to the type of fan I am. I started to realize that their are different types of Football wives. This is what I came up with.
There are 3 types of Football Wives:
- The first is the Bleeding Die Hard! This is the wife that puts on her Favorite Team Jersey, stocks the beer for the football weekend, and is on top of the propane tank for grilling is full! She anticipates all week for her team to play. She has her OWN fantasy football league, and will yell louder and even better at the refs when they have a shitty call than her hubby. She makes him Proud!!! Her moods are dictated on the ebb and flow of her teams’ football season. Winning, puts her on a high for days. When her team loses, everyone around her pays for it. Thank God for Bi weeks, when everyone can rest easy. Every time someone talks about the game, her blood races, she relives the game right then and there. Telling you play by play. She know each players name on her team. Of course, don’t forget she’s a woman, so she’ll give you her opinion on each player. Maybe even assessing his playing with her knowledge of what is going on in his home life. Predicting how his so called domestic beat down of his girl will affect his playing this week. For a brief moment, she forgets about the football and rants on about how the woman should’ve never put her self in that situation and how could she not have any self-respect. But, quickly is pulled back to reality of the game when that same player scores. Commercials commence. She sprints to the kitchen. Quickly stocking all buffet trays with as much food as she could shovel back onto the chafing dishes. Frantically stocking napkins, plastic forks and knives, and making sure all guests are fed and okay. Hurries, to check on kids. Sprints to the bathroom. Speed pees like you’ve never peed in that toilet before. Fuck it, no time to wash hands, the boys are back on! Speeding back to the Ottoman to resume her spot next to her husband!
- The Second Face —Is the Fake it until you Make it! She’ll wear the cutesy boyfriend cut T-shirt with her hubby’s favorite team on her chest. She’ll claim she is a fan. But if you ask her to name five player on her “favorite” team, she won’t be able to do it. Its tolerable. Not her favorite thing in the world, but she likes to see the satisfaction of her hubby. She finds parties socially appealing and a sense of tradition. She, definitely puts on that she likes it more than she does. It makes the hubs happy, and she’s content. She isn’t the, I am going to jump in the air and high five on every touchdown type of woman. But, she will jump up out of her seat when they win on the last Hail Mary of the game. Now, don’t doubt her for one second. If, there’s a season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, that bitch will peace out! I mean, she has priorities. I mean, she has to see if Meredith hops in bed with Dr. Delicious. But, she knows to leave him alone and respect the game.
- Then there is the Third Face—-HATER—-She is the, “I’d rather have an enema than watch a whole day of football.” She doesn’t give a FUCK! She’ll talk during clutch plays. If…..she is even in the room. Chances are, is she has to come to a football party, it is clearly for food and social reasons. I doubt she’ll know what team is playing. She’s that person that asks, “What happened?” after every play. Driving her hubby and all the guests nutso! But, chances are she won’t pay much attention. She’s the type that will drive separate because in her mind, its a day of Hell. This gives her an escape! She’ll be the wife, that leans against the kitchen counter the whole entire game talking. When the game ends, she’ll ask, “So……who won?” But, even a hater will sit through the Super Bowl for the commercials and performance. I mean, she’s not heartless. LOL But, she doesn’t care either way who wins. Hope you get to go to a Super Bowl party with a Hater hosting it, because they are the most attentive mother fuckers there are! Because they don’t give a crap, they will keep endless dishes of food stocked, beers cold, guests happy, and entertaining!
So………Which one are You?